who am i? (August 13, 2002)

i am a ghost from the past. i have been sent to wreak havoc upon you and your pathetic mortal lives. you all thought that i was killed, but i have resurrected from the grave. i am your worse nightmare; your nemesis. it is time for you sinners to repent, for i have come with fury and vengeance. i have come to throw the money changers out of my temple. i have come to put shame to those who are cowards and great deceivers.

i am the masturbating jesus.

salvation through masturbation (August 14, 2002)

it occurs to me, that most of the world's evils and ills have been caused by the uptightness and overzealousness of people. all the persecutions, the cold hearted killings, and the unnecessary hate come about from this unhealthy energy, which people develop. the way i look at it is, that you have these evil demons in your sac, and these demons must be purged from time to time of the body. a cleansing will bring one a clean and sober outlook on life. there is an expression, that one should sleep before making important decisions in life, and i also believe one should masturbate too, before making big decisions in life.

all the efforts and energies spent trying to achieve world peace would be best applied to promote masturbation. remember how surgeon general jocelyn elders was fired by clinton, coward that he was, because she promoted masturbation?

am i evil? (August 15, 2002)

i wonder sometimes if i'm a good or bad person. i would say that i am wise and imaginative, but my imagination often gets the better of me. since i've been a young boy i have found stories of torture to be sexually arousing. i am neither a sadist or a masochist, but when it comes to fantasy and arousal, my mind runs free. things which don't even seem to have anything to do with sex, such as torture, can arouse me.

what is sex? it is like a small death. every sexual event is like a death and rebirth. i swear that everytime i come i feel like i am dying. i wonder if in the throes of death, if i would feel such pleasure. perhaps death itself is the ultimate orgasm.

i was imagining putting wounds in various parts of a person's body with a knife, and creating new orifices out of them. then, i would fuck these various orifices, which would be warm and well lubricated from the blood. is there much difference between imagining something and actually doing it? i wonder if i am capable of doing the deeds which my tormented mind imagines.

if one has depth of character then one will be able to do both good and evil, for to be just good is limited. i am omnipotent; for within me you will find the brightest sunshine as well as the darkest abyss.

golden shower for tankgirl (August 16, 2002)

whereas most members have revealed something about their own personal selves through time on the forum, you tankgirl have failed to reveal anything about your personal life and your self. i'm pretty sure that if i were a member of this forum for a year i still wouldn't know who you are, where you live, your age, or anything of that sort. you are not known except to perhaps a select few. why do you hide your true self from the members of this forum?

i think you do this out of fear for being attacked personally. so you hide behind the username "tankgirl". while this insulates you in your mind from being attacked personally, it also insulates you from having real meaningful relationships with the many users of this forum. you have presented yourself to the forum as no better than an admin-bot; hardly worthy of being called a person. it's only natural of people to give hints of their true characters behind their screen names. i am new here, so give me time before i feel comfortable enough to do this myself; but you as an admin already know more about me than i know about you. at least you have an ip address to nail me down to some geographical area.

suppose that someone called you a "worthless cunt", and people who could have helped you and come to your defense didn't, because you never exposed your personal self to those people, and they thought of you as no better than some remote admin-bot. wouldn't that be a shame?

i feel that we have a lot in common, and some day, perhaps our paths may cross, if it is our destiny. as you can see, i am obsessed with you. why not open yourself up to my warm love, that i can provide you with? i feel that you are in need of love but are scared to open yourself up for fear of being attacked. but i will provide for you a shower of love that will make you feel really good inside, and you will feel a warm glow within your heart, like the good feeling that you feel when you take a warm shower on a cold day. let me shower you with my love.

luke 18:16 (August 20, 2002)

"suffer the women to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of god."

the women have always been misrepresented by religions, yet clearly they play a significant role in our human development, as motherhood exemplifies. why is it the case that women are second class citizens in many societies? this disturbs me greatly, for i as masturbating jesus never intended my teachings to be used to oppress women. rather i say let us rejoice in their role, and make them our equal partners and companions.

it would be a so-called civilization dominated by neanderthals that would be threatened by positioning women as equal partners to men. men are easily amused by their silly games: their games of conquest such as sports and war. but these terrible games have brought much pain and suffering to the world. it is time for the ones who have brains to inherit the earth, for the meek shall inherit the earth, and the silly men and their testosterone games (and the cause of them is always lack of masturbation) shall have their toys taken away from them.

the way to fight the evils of the world is not by being evil and macho, but by learning to appreciate our inner feminine selves, and to empower women. this should not be limited to the scope of our own country but should expand to a global approach, to liberating women. we should not fear an earth that has partnership with women but should instead embrace it. the choice is not between either the macho warrior society of bin laden or george w. bush, for they are not too far apart in their thinking, but more along the lines of something which promotes and empowers women; something like hillary rodham clinton, who gives great handjobs to jesus, but unfortunately doesn't do the oral thing.

dionysus speaks (August 20, 2002)

moderation is the virtue of the lame. do not go through life limiting yourself, but learn to enjoy life to the fullest. i despise those who drive through life with their foot on the brake pedal. i caution you that i am not an advocate for rape, plunder, or arrogance. rather i say, to be your own person and be confident in your own opinions and values. you are not a second class citizen. you can not please everybody, and when it comes to issues of vice, you do harm to no others except their prudish sensibilities, when you do the things that you want to do in life. i do not advocate wanton lack of discipline, but i say that you should adopt your own discipline. he who does not master himself will be mastered by others.

it is better to drink two beers than one, and it is better to drink four than three. appreciate the contrasts between feast and famine daily. when the pussy beckons, do not refuse it, but do not grovel like a dog for it either.

i am the raw spirit of napster. unleashed i am viewed as dangerous by the powers that be here. i am in the unmoderated "hyperspace" forum, for i am a wild animal and i want no bounds imposed on me. i want to speak up and speak out. i am afraid that many of you here have grown accustomed to the safety net of a moderated forum. do not fear the masturbating jesus. release yourself from the clutches of moderation and your inhibitions and come talk to the masturbating jesus. for if you keep on having that safety net there, then you'll never get that satisfaction of having had real meaningful relationships online. instead you'll always have to wonder what is genuine and what is feigned. look closely at the smiles here, and you may see a snarl in those teeth. my, what big teeth you have, grandma.

i am the resurrection of the messiah shawn fanning. i am dionysus, the god of music, drinking, and orgies. who am i? i am the masturbating jesus.

ramona_a_stone (August 23, 2002)

i would like to fuck the shit out of you. my cock is conservatively estimated to be 40 cubic inches in volume. i will take every cubic inch of my manliness and fill that cavernous void; that grand canyon which you call your ass. let masturbating jesus fill you will his golden warm love, and make a giant cream puff out of you.

you with your large ego, must give great head. your nicely trimmed goatee and the mouth so conveniently in the center reminds me of a hairy bush. your mouth is a pleasure zone for me, and you who are so verbose will have a deft tongue that darts about excitedly on the tip of my penis, causing the masturbating jesus incredible orgasmic pleasure.

i am half animal and half genius, and i need your musical talent to cure me of my madness, my dear ramona. they say music cures the savage beast. i am the ultimate beast. the number of the beast is six hundred sixty-six. i shall poke and twirl my cock in your ass, and then with the shit which is stuck to the head of my penis, i shall write the number of the beast upon your forehead, and verily it shall be known that ramona is the bitch of masturbating jesus.

rude and malicious (August 27, 2002)

i take it that you think that it is "rude" because of its sexual content. you know that if you were to openly peer into the bedroom habits and sexual lives of various people, that you would see a lot of rudeness. sex is not a clean thing, nanook. even the missionary position between heterosexual people, has its rude moments when you consider the groaning and sweating involved, as well as the sticky mess which is left over afterwards.

what do you find malicious here? perhaps you have misunderstood the masturbating jesus.

verily nanook, i can see that you are a good person, for masturbating jesus can peer into the hearts of all people and knows all their little secrets. i understand that a good part of your judgement has been influenced because you think of ramona_a_stone as a friend, and being the good friend that you are to him, you have come to his defense.

hyperspace (August 27, 2002)

what is hyperspace? it is the zone of the real and the imagined world. hyperspace is inclusive of not only the world we know, but the world we don't know too. in short, hyperspace has everything in it: real and imaginary worlds.

in hyperspace you get quantum fluctuations, and unlikely or impossible events do occur here. masturbating jesus is a ghost from the past; a transient being who has been brought here by some fluctuation of the quantum ether which surrounds us in this forum world. masturbating jesus is riding the wormhole from heaven, or the shaft of zeus, and is headed straight for your all your bodily orifices.

masturbating jesus is like a crystal ball of wisdom and imagination, which you have been briefly graced with his presence by. you can ask masturbating jesus any question here in hyperspace, and there is nothing in the environment such as moderators that will stop you from doing so. here in hyperspace your libido and inhibitions must be released. do not cower behind the safety of a moderated forum, but instead come ask masturbating jesus the questions which you have locked away in your heart. masturbating jesus has within him both the brightest sunshine as well as the darkest abyss, for such is the burden of a wise man.

sadly though many of you have done nothing but post lame barbecue sauce responses to masturbating jesus. what's really funny about this is that you've been making lame posts all year, so how is this any different? meanwhile the wormhole is closing and you haven't taken advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to query the messiah of masturbation, the seminal fountain of knowledge, yours truly, masturbating jesus.

the hand of zionism (August 28, 2002)

masturbating jesus would like the zionist states: america, and israel, destroyed.

do not forget who the traitors were who sold jesus out, and the thirty pieces of silver which they received for doing so.

thirty pieces of silver could barely buy you a handjob in today's market, though if you put said money in the collection plate on palm sunday, then it may buy you priveleges to give a handjob to your local priest.

testosterone (August 29, 2002)

masturbating jesus is fucking pissed the fuck off that a good number of people on this earth are so spoiled and rotten. masturbating jesus is wary of the gender which has the xy chromosome. this disposable sex is the preferred sex in many cultures. yet masturbating jesus knows that these spoiled brats; these 300 pound gorillas or overgrown babies with generous amounts of testosterone, are hardly worthy of being called "men".

in the society of talibans and other macho societies such as one that our president george w. envisions, women are second place to men and are beaten and abused daily. what a shame it is that such generous contributors to the human spirit have become second class citizens in so many cultures. if there is any question in your mind as to whether we are civilized or are apes, let this be the telling proof. for the evidence shows that we are transitional; not fully modern and civilized people; despite our various technological toys and our wealth.

rather than matching the macho behavior of bin laden with the macho behavior of george w., we must learn to find our inner feminine selves and appreciate the gift we have within us: the love of life and testosterone-free rationality. the way to fight the events of september 11th would be to encourage women's power throughout the world, and to endorse women's suffrage. let us examine all nations, and based on how they treat both men and women, we will determine who our true allies are.

all of us men have a duty to help make the world a better place by masturbating so that we may rid our sacs and bodies of the evil testosterone, which causes us to do many foolish and cruel things.

axis of evil (September 05, 2002)

my fellow americans, i am burdened as a wise and intuitive man with the horrors of the world, which i foresee taking place. i have studied the ways and actions of your president george w. bush, and i see that he is a man of war and not peace. he is the prodigal son who never worked a day in his life, and is accustomed to getting his way. he now has his mind set to bringing you to war with iraq, and he will do it by any means necessary. this president of yours will sacrifice anything, including the safety of his people, to be popular. and the way he sees himself as being popular is being a leader of a nation at war, for there is no other way for him to to do so. he is a 200 pound gorilla who talks tough, with much bravado, but this will get the rest of you all in deep trouble. as it happens with all arrogant 200 pound gorillas, they are eventually put in their place. you as americans will pay the consequences of having this man as your leader, immediately and years from now. you've raised a whole generation worldwide that despises americans.

bush is the biggest international terrorist there is. he first hijacked the election when he declared himself president even though he lost the popular vote. then he hijacked the events of september 11 to use it as a rallying cry for any other goals and conquests he had. and because he knows no limits and has no self control, this man has put to shame what would have been a perfectly legitimate war on terrorism. but he has become too greedy, and expanded his horizons too far.

do not think that bush is the one who is in charge. he is a dummy and a patsy, and easily influenced by others in his inner circle, such as: cheney, rumsfeld, and ashcroft. cheney is the one who has been the biggest plotter of evil of all of them. he is the ringleader of the axis of evil, and as we speak he is making final preparations for a terrorist attack that will occur in the near future, that will use iraq as a scapegoat. in this regard bush is like russia's putin, who used the terrorist attacks that were supposedly caused by chechnyan rebels as an excuse to mount a war against them. bush will become popular after the next attack and will certainly blame iraq for it.

masturbating jesus sees things that others don't see, such as who really mailed the anthrax letters. no, it wasn't steven hatfill. the fbi hasn't caught the person really responsible, because they already have their mind made up as to what type of person sent the letters, and being the law enforcement dullards that they are, can't think outside of the box. but in fact masturbating jesus knows that israel's mossad was responsible for the letters. the whole point of theirs was to try to merge their war on the palestinians with the american war on terrorism. another thing i will tip you off about is why tony blair is a strong supporter of bush. well, actually he isn't; he liked clinton more; but the americans have some strong damaging information on his personal life. tony blair is like clinton, and couldn't resist the temptations of an extramarital affair. then when blair met bush at the ranch in texas, which is where bush conducts his foreign policy, bush suggested in a subtle way that the findings of his personal life as discovered by american intelligence would remain discreet, provided that he give his full fledged support for bush's "war on terrorism". blair has been blackmailed, and many british civilians will now be a target.

this is no conspiracy theory; this is the real thing. you had better do something to depose of the key players of the axis of evil, or you will suffer greatly in the future.

yours truly, masturbating jesus

the failed artist (September 13, 2002)

there once was an artist named ramona_a_stone, who prospered under napster. then when napster crashed, ramona crashed too, but came to this forum. this forum became a continuation of the dream that ramona had, of being an accomplished musician. so here you can keep believing that your fine tunings of various acid software tracks represent some kind of music. and you have many friends here who support you and boost you. it's really not that different from how retards are treated, with this lack of criticism towards your music. you know that if these people here weren't your friends, they wouldn't give your music the time of the day.

well for you, your idea of friendship has been a friend in need is a friend indeed. and here in this forum, you have been able to get an extension of your ego, and the continuation of your dream...to be an accomplished musician. therefore this is a friendly forum to you.

verily, you are no true musician, but instead a good tinkerer with sounds and mixing.

don't take it so hard on yourself. i myself plan to go through life as an ordinary person. most people dream, but end up leading ordinary lives. perhaps you are setting your goals too high, to be a recognized musician.

by the way, i did a search for "sao" on winmx and got 101 results, but none was your material. i did a search for "sidereal drive" and "wireframe birdmen" and got zero results. finally, i did a search for "pink floyd" for reference and got more than 3000 results, and they just kept coming. so what happened to your support group of friends here, who give your music much praise when they listen to it, but somehow have no space on their hard drives when it comes to sharing it?

eagles and chickens (September 13, 2002)

verily masturbating jesus has put the nail in the coffin of the failed napsterite, ramona_a_stone. masturbating jesus is the messiah of napsterites. i am the shepherd and have been sent to tend for my lost flock. i have come to separate out the wheat from the chaff. there are those amongst you who will soar like eagles, and the rest are chickens.

i cast thee into the depths of hell, ramona, where you may wallow in the league of the chickens.

so let it be written; so let it be done.

forbidden fruit (September 15, 2002)

This was blown out the arse of MasturbatingEclectica
I had a dream. I came before Jesus masturbating at the gates of heaven. And he had in his hand two dildos. In the left hand, the hand of evil, was a huge dildo with the face of slx. In the right hand, the hand of good, was a rather tiny dildo with the face of Ramona_A_Stone.

Can you give me guidance Jesus...what is the meaning of this dream?

this is the classic dichotomy between good and evil, my son. you see, slx is a man of war, and is an alluring character because he is the bad boy. ramona_a_stone on the other hand, is a man of peace like george bush or ariel sharon, and with the small dildo represents all the boredom and impotence that comes with being one of the good guys.

but wait. there's more.

each of us has both a physical penis as well as a spiritual penis that we wear through our lives. physically slx is a rather tiny man, but spiritually he is enormous, due to his strong will and conviction. so the spiritual penis of slx was represented in your dream as a large dildo. on the other hand the spiritually diminutive ramona_a_stone can be represented by the small dildo. in fact, if we are to study the sexuality of said character, we will come up with a chromosome arrangement that can be best described as xxy. for if you actually look into the history of the name "ramona a stone", you will find it comes from a david bowie transexual character. this name is some pathetic attempt of ramona to entice unsuspecting men into becoming fans of his pathetic music. it is the nature of men, like dogs, that they will be more interested in a woman who is an artist than a man. so this name is to give him an extra boost against his odds of being a failed unrecognized artist.

furthermore eclectica, this dream you had also represents the choice between knowledge and ignorance. you can choose ignorance and hang in the league of feigned forum friendliness and continued dreaming at napsterites.net, or you can choose the way of truth and enlightenment and the way of the prophet slx. much like the biblical tale of the forbidden fruit, slx too is handing you the forbidden fruit with his enormous and tempting dildo. so what will it be eclectica? do you choose the way of the chickens amongst the likes of ramona_a_stone, or do you soar like an eagle amongst the few and the proud with slx?

twin towers of opulence (September 20, 2002)

how many americans will have to die for you to learn your lesson? you had 3000 die on september 11 and you allowed your leader george w. bush to use the events of the time to further his conquests. but you know that in the end you will pay: whether it be in 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, or several decades. the damage is being done because a whole new generation is being raised that will hate americans. you are now amongst the chosen people, including the israelis and the british.

bin laden is so popular because he is the only one to stand up to bush. everyone else has been diplomatic. the treatment towards bush is no different than appeasement of hitler. if you think bush is one of the good guys, you're wrong. germany was a civilized and educated nation. why do you not think that the ignorant lazy americans could not produce evil too?

once again history has repeated itself: cowards will be cowards.

you think that they attacked america on september 11 because they wanted to attack freedom and democracy? no, it is an attack on tyranny and the arrogant superpower. your country has become the 1200 pound gorilla that must be put in its place. the drunken shouts of madmen emanating from the halls of your leaders must be stopped.

you americans have brought much misery to the world in the last 50 years. your motto should be "a friend in need is a friend indeed". you have exploited others, and only helped those when there was a benefit to you. so many times you turned and ran like cowards when others needed you. you with your might and power instead of helping others when the opportunity was there chose to look the other way. a good example recently was in rwanda in 1994, when you knew that a genocide was forthcoming but you still decided to withdraw your troops and so let 700,000 be hacked by machetes. how dare you feel bad for your little 9-11 event, which was not an attack on freedom, but an attack on the injustices that you have been responsible for, and your continuing arrogance.

verily, you are guilty as charged, for i see that you still haven't deposed of the key players of the axis of evil: ashcroft, bush, cheney, and rumsfeld.

so let it be written; so let it be done: ye shall taste death many more times.

we need more people like osama bin laden, to fight against the axis of evil, because that's the only way you will learn your lesson.

and now i pay a moment of silence not for the victims of september 11, but for the poor afghan lady who was wounded by the soviet landmine, forgotten and desparate in her poor country as she knocked on the cold doors of america:

for years i've sat and i've suffered, and you with your towers of strength and money, coldly denied me the help i needed. i was shut out in the cold, hungry, while you sat there with your heads in the clouds, so comfortably removed from the sufferings of all. my weakened hand banged in vain at your tall steel doors while you showed no mercy as you watched me suffer.

and so my anger consumed me, to the point that i no longer wanted to be like you and it came to be that i hated you in every way. i hated you when thousands of iraqis starved due to your sanctions. i hated you when you abandoned us in afghanistan after the soviets withdrew; after a million of us died for your cause, and you abandoned us. I hated you when you turned your back on rwanda, and let 700,000 people be slaughtered.

the world would have gone on like that, business as usual. If it weren't for my blind rage, which caused me to take out the first thing in my sight: your twin towers of opulence. yeah, they're coming down, for my hand is the hand of anger. now you'll have to listen to me, for verily, the meek shall inherit the earth.


double standards (September 24, 2002)

well i tell you what, my brother the pseudo-jc. if we are to start demanding that the un resolutions be followed, then let us follow them in all cases. this means that like the time in the spring when israel refused to let un inspectors into the jenin massacre site, that's one point down for israel. and in how they are treating the palestinians currently, with the illegal occupation of their land, that's another point down for israel. don't forget too that u.s. military aid is given to israel only for their defense. yet you could hardly call their incursions and massacres as a defense. but the u.s. will continue to fund and support them.

the original u.n. inspectors were infested with spies of the cia. and that's why iraq threw them out. you see, once again america fucked up everything with its greed. the rules don't apply to the americans, from what i can tell. you see how treaties by americans are disregarded if they don't serve the american interest. the americans have become like the spoiled crybabies who knock the game over if they don't win it.

do you think the u.n. has unfettered access to the u.s., or is it a double standard, that some people can have weapons of mass destruction, but others aren't allowed to?

friendly forum (September 24, 2002)

it is the nature of the forum napsterites.net that if a member is too different, or asks too many questions, you will cast him out. verily you practice the policy of exclusion rather than one of inclusion. your reaction to members who don't fit a mold is one of hostility; certainly not one of friendliness. your membership shall stagnate, and in this regard i do not mean just sheer numbers, but i am referring to its spirit. you see, all of us in this forum make a beautiful mosaic with our individual personalities and quirks. you need to abandon your vanity and embrace the beauty of the big picture that an inclusive forum would offer.

you see, when i came to this forum, i posted some writings similar to what marquis de sade would write. but that caused an uproar and offended some of you, and afterwards i was banned to this "hyperspace" section.

a society which practices exclusion will ultimately have more rebels or terrorists, or as you call them in the context of the forum, "trolls". for if people are cast out and feel excluded, they will just become more fanatical in their beliefs.

i am reminded of the story of osama bin laden, who was cast out of saudi arabia under pressure of the united states. they stripped him of his citizenship even though he was born there. he then went into exile and became even more extreme and isolated. you and your police state think you are safe now, but verily the amounts of disenfranchised people who don't fit your mold is growing.

if you want a friendly forum, then you need to practice a policy of inclusion. you can't force friendliness on people.

let's roll (September 30, 2002)

prior to 9-11 it was standard policy to appease hijackers and give in to their demands. the folly of giving up the controls of a plane to the hijackers would not be realized until that fateful day.

in a similar way, we have always entrusted the president to take control of the nation's helm, no matter what path he takes us on. and even if it's obviously ridiculous, no one dares resist him, especially in a time of war.

hindsight is 20-20, but do you have good foresight? masturbating jesus hopes to wake up the lobotomized masses with the cry of "let's roll and overthrow the american axis of evil", but sadly there is little support from my fellow americans on this issue.

verily masturbating jesus shall get a good laugh, as our commander-in-chief george w. bush pilots our nation to its demise.

darkmanx (October 02, 2002)

your name "darkmanx" suggests that you are a man of mystery. it also suggests that you have something hidden about you. but i know your secret. you are bored with many things in your life, including the same dull stinky pussy. you are curious about what kind of love and excitement you can get from being a man's man.

mastery of the english language could only be helped by learning a foreign language. and in the same sense, he who wants to become the master of women, or super-pimp, must broaden his experiences outside of women too. verily if one is to be a super-pimp, then one must also learn to be one's bitch. the order of learning is apprenticeship, and then master. the king of all kings, master of all masters, and pimp of all pimps is none other than yours truly, masturbating jesus.

you see, like the sun, which is a raw energy source, i am the raw source of sexuality on this planet. verily if you wanted to plug in your pocket pussy, you wouldn't be able to plug it directly into the sun, but would instead need to go through several energy chains, such as a solar collector and transmission lines. my sexuality is so raw that i must distribute it throughout several chains in order for the common man to be able to withstand it. i am dionysus, the god of sex, music, and orgies; also known as the antichrist and the messiah of napsterites. all good things originate from the phallus magnus of masturbating jesus. verily darkmanx i have chosen you to be one of my sexual disciples; and ye shall indeed master the planet with the teachings of the masturbating jesus.

i can see that you are a man who is up to any task of hardship, as judged by your signature. so i shall tie you up and dry-fuck you in the ass repeatedly for days on end. your ass will look like a female baboon's ass in heat when i'm through with you.

i am the ultimate beast. the number of the beast is six hundred sixty-six. i shall poke and twirl my cock in your ass, and then with the shit which is stuck to the head of my penis, i shall write the number of the beast upon your forehead, and verily it shall be known that darkmanx is the bitch of masturbating jesus.

diego (November 18, 2002)

i had a dream. and in this dream your head was in a fish tank, and you had on the exact same headphones that the "napster kitty" has, with a dildo stuffed in your ear.

what does it mean?

i once decided to troll the plains of the united kingdom. i was in search of the wreckage of the pan am flight which blew up over lockerbie, in scotland. yet i realized that the winds and the sands of time caused the debris to be scattered beyond the original crash site. so i searched far and wide over the motherland and found a cryptic piece of paper that said:
"The Napsterites Underground is intended as a friendly Forum that was established as a refuge from what the relevant Members experienced at the Napster Forums from October to December 2000."

what does it mean?

i was masturbating after being in an alcoholic blackout, and found myself next to many shemales. so i, being frightened, took out my knife and started stabbing. i took one hostage and brought him home. there i made much use of his body, like jeffrey dahmer, and drilled a hole in his head. then i urinated on the hole in the head whilst i saw the very palpitations of his heart beat. and verily, he had a stupid grin like the guy in "silence of the lambs" version 2.0. and yeah, i asked the lord if he could forgive the transgressions of the sinner, and he said that i must be his sword and his justice.

what does it mean?

so i commenced to sever the head of the smiling idiot, and found it to be warm and delectable. afterwards i put my cock in its windpipe and wore it upon my stiff prick, like a hood ornament or a newly found treasure. then i proceeded to get totally nude and wear nothing but a trenchcoat...like the trenchcoat mafia. so i had your head verily upon the heavenly shaft of jesus, and i proceeded to go in public places and flash people. and verily, it was fucking great because the look of horror and disgust which i received caused me to have multiple orgasms, in which i came into your brain cavity repeatedly. and i swear to heaven up above, that you had a smile on your face and you enjoyed it.

what does it mean?

gazdet (November 19, 2002)

you know gazdet, if i were you i wouldn't be proud of your inabilities to figure out how the vbulletin software works. it seems you spend your time banning members but you can't even get your forum to work properly. maybe you should go over to napsterites.org, a real friendly forum, where sixxgunnz will give you some help on how to run your forum and to use the software properly.

the funny thing is that you chose for your avatar a picture of gears turning. i take it you think you're some kind of master mechanic of the forum, like "scotty" was of the starship enterprise. but you are not. your deliberate incompetence is pathetic. you remind me of the guy with the real cool car who has to call the mechanic when he gets a flat tire.

you have no pride or sense of professionalism in your duties. truly if you understood your role properly, then you would put yourself second and the forum first. but instead this forum is gazdet's private forum, rather than a public forum for napsterites. and so, it is limited to your vision and ambition.

i run an opennap server, and there are many potential assholes who connect to it. you, i think of as an asshole, but if you ever wanted to connect to my server, or needed assistance, then i would be purely professional about the matter. i wouldn't fuck with your account or ban you.

you on the other hand are so petty that you can't resist the power that has been bestowed upon you. even in this so-called unmoderated section of the forum, hyperspace, you are threatening to ban me. what a cowardly bitch that you are.

forum terrorism (November 21, 2002)

i wonder if whoever was trying to shut down napsterites.net, was doing it for altruistic reasons. maybe because there are two napsterites forums, the person just wanted to bring us all together and unite us. this is much as gazdet did a couple of years ago, when he wanted everybody to post at his board, under the guise of unity for the napsterites.

if a member went and ratted you out to the isp, then the member should be banned from your forum. you might not be able to know who went and ratted you out to the isp because the person could have sent e-mail from a hotmail account and could have used the same proxy service, thus causing the same ip address to be registered, as various members have used in the past. in addition, a person could continue to send notices to the isp after being banned, or may have never been a member to start with.

verily as george w. bush is a scoundrel, by wrapping himself in the american flag, so too gazdet is a scoundrel, by wrapping himself in the cause of the napsterites. if someone is trying to shut down napsterites.net, and is not affiliated with the riaa, then chances are that the person is holding a grudge against gazdet and his colleagues. napsterites.net has many fine members, but unfortunately its leadership is corrupt. so unlike in a democracy where the leaders can be overthrown, here you will find that since gazdet is the domain name holder, that it is his private forum. there will be no change in leadership as long as gazdet continues to own the domain name.

gazdet has poorly managed the forum by managing too heavily, for he who manages least manages best. rather than being a humble man, he has acted with much bravado, banning and silencing those who dare speak too loudly. as surely as george w. bush has made many americans targets due to his bravado and tough actions, so gazdet has made the napsterites.net forum an even bigger target, by being so unwelcome and unfriendly and pissing many people off. sure, you'll always have people hating your forum, but it makes a difference if it's one out of 100 versus one out of 10 that hate your forum.

for the interests of this forum, gazdet and those in his administration who support his management philosophy, should step down and he should hand over the domain name to someone else. or he could relinquish his management and give it to the more liberal elements in his administration, or change his management style. but until that happens you napsterites will be targets, because an attack on napsterites.net is usually meant as an attack on gazdet.

many of you have impressive resumes and like to flash them out in times of debate. really if your opinions had substance then you wouldn't need to substantiate them with your credentials. by doing so you're saying that your opinions carry more weight than those of a newby. but realize that in this p2p revolution, or any revolution, that those who have been around too long become washed up and become part of the establishment. the persecuted in time become persecutors, and they lose their fresh energy and idealism which was the spark of the revolution. thus the founding fathers often have to step aside, whilst the revolution is in the hand of the newbies, and their credentials actually would work as a mark against them. so if i were you i would put those credentials right back in your pocket, and we will speak to each other as equals, with equal weight given to our opinions.

forum terrorism must be stopped? it could only get worse.

yours truly, masturbating jesus
the hand of osama

what is a "gazdet"? (November 22, 2002)

dear gazdet,

it's been a long time since we romped together through the fields of those beautiful southern plains which you call your home.

i fear your ass is not as loose as it used to be.

do you know that the other day i was shaving my pubes and i was thinking about you?

and i looked into the mirror, but i saw a disfigured face, like the image of the dark angel satan.

and i got so distracted that i nicked my pubes.


so whilst the blood spewed profusely all over the bathroom floor, i found myself asking: "what is a gazdet?"

and after a long and weary journey through meditation in the wilderness, i arrived upon the answer.

a gazdet is piece of jewelry worn by men. in fact it is nothing other than a fancy cock ring made of the finest of the earth's metals. and who does not rape and plunder earth's resources better than gazdet himself? for he has made his employment in pursuit of various forms of looting and plundering of earth's resources. verily gazdet rapes and plunders daily, in the interest of international jewry and enslavement of depraved south africans, to loot earth of her precious metals.

so i realized that a man who lives by the sword dies by the sword. and he who lives by the culture of greed also dies by that same culture too. verily then i decided to place a price upon his head.

i decree that the gazdet, the advocate of international jewry and slavery, as well as the scoundrel of the napsterites, will be beheaded for thirty pieces of silver, as i was betrayed for that same price.

so let it be written; so let it be done.

p2p and art (November 29, 2002)

ye who are champions of the p2p revolution must accept the many members of your community who have individual talents. p2p without art is a cause without any soul or spirit. in that case, you might as well get a job on the assembly line cranking out cd burners or network interface cards, in order to support the p2p revolution.

when i graced the presence of napsterites.net with my literary talent and artistic vision, i was not embraced by the community, but instead cast out. who comes to mind most is user "diego", who was the loudest advocate of my banishment there. yet "diego" claims to be interested in p2p, and finds the likes of masturbating jesus to be unfit for his p2p forum. so in the interest of preserving your so-called p2p forum at napsterites.net, ye have shunned the great literary genius that i am.

verily then ye have demonstrated by your actions, that indeed the artistic elements within your community are not welcome. and so your userbase shall stagnate in its spirit and soul. without the fresh input that comes from individual creativity, then ye shall have a culture that imitates but is not innovative.

masturbating jesus is the synthesis of art and p2p, and thus is the messiah of the napsterites. ye who shun me, are not worthy of the title "napsterites".

beware the wrath of the trolls (November 29, 2002)

for the wages of sin is death, and ye have sinned greatly, my fellow napsterites.

i used to be one of the good guys, a shining star like the angel lucifer, but i fell from grace august 31, 2001 when slx was banned. i became one of the trolls, whose goal was to shut down your forum.

you can pretty much guess that i was the one responsible for sending the web host the letter complaining about the porn on your site. i will shut down your forum by any means necessary, for your forum is a disgrace to the whole napster name.

you napsterites here can still save yourselves if you provide me the head of gazdet so that i may skull fuck it. for he is the scoundrel who has made you the target of the wrath of the trolls. it is up to you: do you depose of "the gary", or do you deal with our wrath?

as you try to clamp down on us our fury and amibition will only increase by tenfold. and so we shall be enemies and fight each other tirelessly to the death. ye shall taste the fury of the hand of osama, and shall have a napsterites jihad waged against you.

heartwarming holiday thoughts (December 02, 2002)

whilst we are fattening ourselves up this holiday season like the opulent and spoiled americans that we are, let us keep in mind the things which we should be thankful for. let us be thankful that on thanksgiving, it was israelis and not americans who were targeted by terrorists. for though the israelis have been doing the dirty work, it has only been made possible by support of the british and americans.

we are culpable and have much blood on our hands. so the fact that americans weren't targeted, speaks loudly, much as any silence should. i'm sure many of you americans missed the point though. i can only imagine how many of you inebriated slobs were gathered around your dwellings boasting of your abilities to kick saddam's ass. you may have even banged the table for that extra alpha male emphasis to get your point across. we are a judeo-christian nation and whatever the zionists want, we willingly go along with.

you all know that soon enough you're going to pay for your folly. it's not a question of whether, but of when. ironically ye have been perfecting the arts of gluttony in the holiday season. this is fitting, because ye are being fattened for your ceremonious wholesale slaughter.

fellatio diego (December 02, 2002)

my dear diego,

as you probably know due to the special powers endowed to you at napsterites.net, i do occasionally visit that forum to see what kind of feedback has been given to yours truly, the artistic genius. and i saw in a more recent thread i made, titled "beware of the trolls", that you and the failed artist ramona_a_stone were busy trading kisses and ass rubbings. and verily, i was jealous for a while. but then i came to realize that you are indeed a sexually frustrated man. although i have been treating you like my bitch, i failed to proclaim it, as i did for my other bitches in other posts.

i'm sorry, but i should have clarified to you that you are my bitch.

you see, ramona used to be my bitch, but he couldn't handle the phallus magnus of yours truly. hence i cast his worthless ass into the pits of hell, for if his cavernous ass was not to service my every pleasure, then what good was the said member's cavernous ass?

i have been giving you much attention and you ought to know by now that you are my bitch.

i see that you are a hysterical fucker, who becomes busy manually and orally in the morning. i don't know if it's a lack of your special marijuana, but i do know that your persistence has aroused me. when you called me more than 100 times i got a groin swell. and again today i am getting a chubby because i see that you are manually oriented, and you can make 100 posts in an hour. obviously you need my swollen cock in your mouth or your hand to keep you busy, and its absence has only caused you to be deeply frustrated.

sometimes i love to masturbate to give myself peace of mind. and afterwards, what could be better than an hour long blow job, to pleasure me? i see that you are both manually and orally inclined, and have the persistence to perform such acts upon the heavenly shaft of masturbating jesus. so i shall enjoy myself and lie back, for a real long and pleasurable experience that you can provide me, diego. you're the person of every man's wet dreams, for you have good stamina for fellatio.

i hope you're not the type to bite, because that spoils the pleasure.

worthless cunt (December 10, 2002)

as a contributor to the forum you certainly are no worthless cunt tankgirl. i am interested in p2p as you are and i find your posts interesting. why then am i banned from the p2p forum and the rest of your board?

admittedly i am a troll, but this is by your design of infrastructure more than by mine. you know that the confinement of me to hyperspace has caused me to only be exposed to the trollish posts at napsterites.net, thus causing me to continue along that trollish path. you've wasted a potentially good resource and ally in the p2p revolution by confining me here. you in your personal vendetta and fear of criticism, have sabotaged the potential of your so-called p2p forum. indeed you have failed to grasp and utilize the raw potential and uniqueness of your members. if they are too different from you you cast them into your so-called "hell", or hyperspace, which to me is paradise.

verily i predict if a transgender hilary rosen came knocking on your door, i would stand my ground whilst ye would go running. i would even invite the bitch in for a good ass fucking. so indeed ye in the p2p revolution do need the likes of the masturbating jesus; one who is unapologetic and has a really big set of balls.

you ought to know by now that honey is more persuasive than vinegar, but from your end i have been given nothing but the vinegar. you can trust me that if you show me some honey that i will indeed reciprocate. and i don't mean in "hyperspace", but in the areas beyond it. if you really are a woman of peace than you will lay down the sword and show me that you can forgive, by making the first act of forgiveness and lessening my restrictions from the various forums. restore my full membership and you will be surprised at how sweet and affable the masturbating jesus can be.

for my own part i will lay down one of the many swords and say that you are a worthless cunt only in the context of your duties as an admin, but otherwise as a user who contributes to the board, you are not a worthless cunt.

you know when i said that i liked you in this post, i really meant it, and only wish now that we could fuck and settle our petty little differences. though i don't know what you look like, and looks do count, i am attracted to you based on the role you've played here.

fucking is a good thing for a man and a woman to do, and it relieves a lot of tension, as well as put things in a good perspective.

by saying this i realize that i've opened myself up to attack, and can only anticipate your response of "over my dead body will i copulate with a loser such as yourself". but you ought to refrain from such spite because i am not writing this to put a "notch in my belt". i don't do things like that because i am not an alpha male. i really mean what i write here.

do not be fearful of me, but embolden yourself to go forward, for to fall in love involves opening oneself to hurt, but the rewards that one reaps are worth it. do not fear taking risks.

ecce homo (January 02, 2003)

why i am so wise
ye lame napsterites of napsterites.net, this is not only due to a special genetic advantage which i have, but due to the humbleness of my character, for i walk softly yet carry a big stick. it is said that speech is silver and silence is golden. in that regard i have been the silent one, quietly observing and reflecting on the state of things.

why i am so clever
i am the hand of osama; the masturbating jesus. i will always prefer to be underestimated rather than overestimated. hence whilst ye think i am no more potent than a bag of hot air or a blowup doll, at this very moment i am plotting your demise.

why i write such excellent books
i write freely without the obligation to please the masses, and i have a special talent of verbosity, that will make many failed artists jealous and spiteful. i am one of the greatest literary geniuses to grace the presence of the napsterites.

why i am a fatality
for the wages of sin is death, and ye have mortally sinned by casting me as your messiah out of your so-called paradise. indeed your fool's paradise, which you call napsterites.net, is an abomination that must be put into its grave. verily, i am the grim reaper of the lame napsterites, for i have come to separate the wheat from the chaff and set the crooked straight.

in my left hand i shall masturbate my enormous cock, whilst in my right i shall smote the sinners amongst thee.

i am the messiah of napsterites; the masturbating jesus.

loyal friend (January 02, 2003)

my dear wench, it saddens me that we have developed in our relationship, an adversarial position. as i recall, it wasn't always this way. indeed in the heat of battle it is hard for us to be objective and remember sunny days of peace long ago. yet i do wonder why we are adversaries, when in fact i think you and i are both decent human beings. all wars are tragic, and this latest development in our relationship is tragic too.

you see, back when i was pure before august 31, 2001, you may have thought of me as a decent person, and i likewise. but unfortunately we have become so battle-driven, that we believe our own propaganda, that indeed the foe is really evil. yet i do recall vaguely a time when we were friends, and when there was a warm breeze upon our souls. it was a time of passion and love. indeed i took your hand in mine and held it, as i felt the essence of your life flow through your veins.

you may recall back after 9-11, when you were alone and you faced the lynch mob? as i have always promised ye, i will be there in your darkest hour, for ye will not face death alone, but i will hold your hand and face it with you. and as i recall, the lynch mob of ultra-patriots were looking to lynch some arabs at that point. it was you and pacewon who incurred the wrath of the likes of alpha male jcmd62, for even suggesting that perhaps we as americans had it coming to us on that fateful day. and indeed i did rush to your defense, as all good friends would do, and i held the lynch mob at bay, for i am the voice of reason as well as the messiah of napsterites.

i mention this not to say that you owe me, but rather to show you what being a real friend means. look back into time, and you will see that there was only one set of footprints in the sand, and it was i who was carrying you through your trial. i can be a real friend to you, because i have the courage to take on an entire forum and incur its wrath. one must be loyal and courageous in order to be a good friend.

and where were your so-called friends, in your darkest hour and your time of need? lurking in the shadows, for they are cowards.

take my hand and fear not death, for in your darkest hour i will not abandon thee.

jesus christ is our lord and savior (January 14, 2003)

you know how annoying it is when you flush the toilet and those lightweight turds just keep turning over and over but refuse to dunk down and out of the bowl? that's how i feel about the incessant visits of the jehovah's witnesses, or anyone who is religious. it's a damned plague and a weakness, which people use as a crutch or an excuse for failure. indeed the persistence of religion attests not to its universal truth, but rather to the continued universal weakness of the human spirit.

lord, i beseech thee to cleanse me of my sins. for i have lusted wantonly after that filthy whore, the virgin mary. indeed i feel if you can fuck her and get away with it, i too can spread those sumptuous pussy lips of hers and give birth to a messiah of my own. i don't see what makes you so special, lord.

your son jesus christ is a closeted homosexual, and a lame dull man with no spirit. indeed if we were to follow his precept of "turn the other cheek" to the devotion that your failed son did, then we would all turn out to be losers in varying degrees. jesus is no human but a robot, and you in your so-called cleverness created a clockwork human which you called jesus. yet verily i see that ye are deceptive in your ways, and you would like to keep us in the dark about the real truth of the matter. the whole "garden of eden" event with you telling us that knowledge was forbidden, was a ruse on your part to keep us worshipping you and only you. yet nowadays gods and gurus are a dime a dozen. i don't see why i should worhip you in particular. you're so lame you don't even throw thunderbolts. indeed ye must be the god of the homosexuals and the jews.

it came through destiny that i was chosen to be the prophet of the second coming of the messiah. i asked at what point the messiah would come, and i was told that the messiah would rise at dawn, for the cock rises at dawn, and jesus loves to give a good stiff prick to all of humanity. and lord i arose at the sun's rising, and i did see indeed a shaft had arisen, oh lord, but it was mine and not yours. indeed ye and your dogma of abstinence only confirmed to me, that this god that the jews and christians both worship, is in fact impotent.

but in all fairness i came to my senses and realized that it wasn't fair of me to come to such conclusions based on a few anecdotes. so i strived to enlighten myself, and i came upon a peephole in the roof of the confession booth. there in the confession booth was the pope. god was the one listening to the confession himself. as the pope spoke of his various sins, such as fondling the nuns (fondling little boys is not a sin because they are pure vessels), i saw that god had disrobed himself. and yeah, it was good. indeed i saw that god was masturbating to the confessions of the pope and whilst the pope thought god was sitting in quiet contemplation, god was meanwhile masturbating to the whole event! at that moment my understanding of god was complete, for i became disillusioned. then i understood that i had tasted the forbidden fruit, by understanding that god too was not a perfect being.

and i wept.

it was promised that the messiah would appear again, and he appeared before me, for i had tasted the forbidden fruit of knowledge by ridding myself of ignorance. indeed, when the messiah appeared again it was no place other than in the holiest of holy places, my porcelain throne, the toilet. there, in a cold dark place, whilst meditating and squeezing another turd from my cheeks, appeared the angel gabriel, the harbynger of the messiah. and would you believe that jesus christ was born again in my toilet? but yeah, i am humble and i came to accept that i had been chosen as a prophet of jesus. his face appeared on the bowl, and i saw that the turds streaked down upon the side of the bowl. verily then i saw that those were his tears for the sins of man. jesus wept for the sins of humanity, for your sins and mine, my son, and they were expressed to me as turds that flowed ever so gently down the side of the bowl. as i recoiled in horror, my unwiped ass still fresh with clumps of turds, out of the unflushed toilet arose jesus christ himself, with turds upon his head, like his crown of thorns.

when nature calls there is not much to do but heed its call. so yeah, i flushed the fucker down the toilet, though it took several flushes. indeed jesus showed the same persistence as those annoying turds which never go down, but verily i perservered, oh lord, and i flushed jesus the child molester, to his proper place where he resides now, somewhere with a big shit-eating grin, i'm sure.


i am the messiah of the napsterites (February 06, 2003)

there was once a time when we as napsterites were persecuted. verily we continue to be persecuted, yet some of the lot of us have become persecutors as well. indeed, some of ye have grown accustomed to the red carpet rolled out for ye, and you don't know what it's like to be on the bad end of things. but i do, and i have a heart that is vast with its compassion, courage, and knowledge. ye napsterites who have been persecuted unfairly, i stand with ye.

i am the shepherd of the lost tribe of napsterites, and my flock has gone astray. i have come to reunite ye under one forum and one banner, and verily as the sun shall rise, i shall shut down that abomination and disgraceful board which we call napsterites.net. though ye may think i am joking, i ask of ye who have been labeled "trolls" to believe in me. have faith in the powers of the masturbating jesus. ye who have been wronged shall be redeemed; i swear on the name of shawn fanning when i promise that.

ask not when the redemption of ye shall be delivered, but instead believe in the power of the messiah of the napsterites. pray daily to me, and call my name, for i have heard your prayers and will answer them at the appropriate time. indeed it is only my magnanimous compassion and grace which allows the continual and daily existence of napsterites.net.

believe in me and ye shall see redemption. i promise ye that indeed the meek and unjustly persecuted shall inherit the forums.

i am the messiah of the napsterites; the masturbating jesus.

eclectica is the incarnation of evil (February 12, 2003)

verily the spirits with aged resumes, the lame founders, and the disciples of shawn fanning have been chagrined and have seen a traitor amongst their ranks. whilst our god and saviour gary robinson has shown his great generous spirit by spending all his money and time on a great place for all of us to hang out, excepting the occasional "troll", indeed the brightest and most talented of our ranks did betray us, and went to great lengths to expose us to our ignorance.

eclectica is like prometheus, who wanted to give fire to mankind and was punished by zeus, who wanted to keep mankind in a perpetual state of ignorance. or for those of you who prefer the judeo-christian-muslim religion, there is the story of the garden of eden and the forbidden fruit. the words of eclectica are a forbidden fruit. whatever you do, pay no heed to them, for eclectica is evil. instead believe in your king gary robinson, who in loco parentis, has made all efforts to make sure that you are spoonfed just as much truth as you can handle.

indeed if you are to heed the words of the dangerous and disturbed troll eclectica, then you are buying into his bullshit and just encouraging him further on his trolling. if you find in other sections of this forum or other topics, that eclectica is helpful and friendly, then don't believe that, for it's all a ruse on his part. indeed he is evil incarnate and if you have any liking of him in any way, then you have fallen victim to his bullshit. you indeed have become infected and must be cleansed, through gary robinson's special reconditioning or brain washing, so that you can be purged of the demon eclectica.

i encourage all of you to boycott this forum napsterites.org, as smoketoomuch/s2m and diego suggest, for as long as eclectica/ejaculatingteeges is allowed to continue to troll here and discredit the napsterites, then this forum itself will be just an extension of the troll's machinery. like the saying goes: "feed the trolls at your own risk". (though on a personal note i have to wonder what kind of zoo it is you're running if you banned all the animals.)

if you can't boycott this forum then at least put eclectica on your ignore list.

thanks napsterites, and i hope you stay forever in gary robinson's paradise, in the garden of eden.

building a strong community (February 13, 2003)

my actions in this situation came from the heart rather than going through any process of rationalization. when my friend steve lacroix was banned on august 31 2001, i reacted as a good friend would do and made his cause my cause as well. what i did came about due to loyalty and a gut feeling in my heart of what was right. i am a worthy friend, and you ought to learn from my example.

there are those amongst you, who like to talk about a napsterites community. perhaps your concept of community involves exclusivity rather inclusivity. but the problem with the exclusivity model, is that you are susceptible to the divide-and-conquer game. for if you allow some of the napsterites to be alienated from the rest of the community, whether it be because they are labeled "pirates" or "trolls", then you've already committed yourself to a weakened community based on cowardice that is dictated by others rather than by yourself.

in order to build a strong community you have to start with the defense of the individual. you have to be your brother's keeper. ironically, you have to be willing to defy a whole community against the odds, as i did when i saw the unjust banning of steve lacroix. take heart in my actions, for that is what good friends do for each other, and that is what you should all be doing for each other if you really believe in a "community". no one said that what i did would be easy. follow your instincts and your heart, and don't allow your friends to be separated or alienated from you. instead show solidarity with them, for loyalty is a good trait that is not appreciated enough. then your community will be worthwhile and strong.

learn from my example, that one person really does make a difference, and determination will bring results.

i have no regrets and would do it over again if i could.

the lesson to be learned from this, is don't fuck with my friends, for i stand with them in solidarity, and i take it personally when they are wronged.

Masturbating Jesus was a freelance writer and literary loose cannon. He is no longer active on the wretched dead forums. He has since converted to Islam, and only has two wives.